Season 04 Solos
Episode 07
Needless to say, this version of Joe Pro’s “Letter to the Young Women of Malolos” did not hit the desk of the addressees. Marcelo asked Rizal to rewrite the whole thing and make it in Tagalog, comprehensive, not self-centered, and not drunk-written.
Apart from Rizal’s letter, fan mails from several countries in Europe also poured in to praise and congratulate the women of Malolos. And now, maybe, you’re curious because you won’t fully get the joke unless you know about the topic.
So, this is the part where I won’t tell you about what the buzz regarding 20 Filipino-Chinese women was all about, because you did not pay attention in school and you don’t utilize Google properly.
PS: Let’s not judge JPR. When he wrote this piece, many months have already passed since he last got a reply from Leonor Rivera. C’mon. He’s just human.
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Sidebar: We are seriously sorry for the delayed uploads of Season 4. Our team of historians went on strike while our team of time-travelers had some red-tape problems with some global government group we unfortunately cannot name. True story. Nevertheless, rest assured that the show goes on, whether you like it or not.
The next episode will appear in a few weeks, like, September 20. Maybe. Peace out, hombres!
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Season 03
Introducing Tetcho Suehiro: Sent away from Japan for a row with the government regarding something about human rights. We didn’t really focus on that since the more pressing issue here is Rizal’s seemingly girly drink. That’s a “whoa-gasp-no” case, right? Major concern.
Okay. Relax and stop pulling your hair, bros. What Joe Pro holds in this photo, as per our research, is called Billionaire’s Margarita. Made with Grand Marnier cognac (Cuvée du Centenaire preferred but they might have used Cordon Rouge in 1888), tequila, crushed ice, and lime juice. Goes well with suits suited for made men.
What seems off is probably the straw. Straws do make drinks look less manly, come to think of it. But at the time of this scene, these tubes were only recently patented and carried a manly name: Stone Straws. Straws. Made. Of. Stone! Whatup! Kidding. They were paper straws, patented by a man named Stone. Made with Manila paper, mind you.
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Passengers of the Belgic were prevented from leaving the vessel when it landed in California. The authorities claimed that it was due to a cholera scare from the Chinese coolies in the ship.
Right, USA, we understand. These were the days of your youth. You were just starting to become the global economic frontman, taking the limelight from Great Britain. But look back now that 2016 is near, USA. Do you realize what you have done then to the Chinese passengers? Did you not expect they’ll exact revenge? What will we all do when China seizes hegemony? Can we expect “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” from their rule book? Or did you not care back in 1888? So, what now? Are you happy, huh? Huh? What do you have to say when, as of 2009, 44% of your own people already believe China is already the top economic power? Look at this link:
And see that it is laden with the number 44! 44!
You screwed us all, United States of America.
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After leaving the Belgic at San Francisco Bay, Joe Pro and Barney boarded in the Palace Hotel. But before that, they spotted one of the very first commercially sold automobile in history: The Benz Patent Motorwagen from Germany.
The vehicle was three-wheeled and had tubular steel frame. It fires up via electric ignition and operated with rack and pinion steering, mechanically operated inlet valves, water-cooled internal combustion engine with four-stroke, 16mm Bore, and 160mm Stroke–know what? We all surely agree that this car was a breakthrough, so let’s all just whistle as if we all know what those engine-y terms mean.
On another note: You might have noticed Suehiro’s quotation marks. Those are because he barely knew how to speak English, and our researchers (go with it, okay?) found no sufficient data to decode what he was actually saying. Fortunately, our team is highly experienced in dubbing dialogues unto innocent passers by through context, forced or otherwise. Without that training, we wouldn’t have a complete dialogue in this phot–vide–audiovisu–draw–comic str–this. Rest assured it’s science.
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The BarZal Bros spent the first half of May 1888 in the USA. In their first days after getting out of quarantine, they went around observing the then bridgeless Bay Area, Market Street, Chinatown, and of course, California Girls.
Barney must have mentioned something about the correlation between scoring American girls and having cars because there is no other explanation why Joe Pro did this, this, this what ever the hell he drew on that board.
Technically, it’s not a rice rocket–it’s not offensive if an Asian uses the term–if it was modeled after a German car. But still. And “calcium lights”? Seriously, that’s gonna roast whoever rides that, that, that. That.
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They got caught. Luckily, they were not jailed. They were let off in exchange for their autographs in the SFPD copy of The Noli Code. So there, whew. Can you imagine them going to jail? Haha. Can you picture José Rizal in prison? Hahaha! Preposterous.
Okay, just throw that ridiculous thought away. Put this in your heads instead: Kato is a Filipino. Yes, Green Hornet’s Kato. Is a Filipino. Grasp that and gasp.
“But the Seth Rogen movie said Kato was from Shanghai!” you say, because you trust Hollywood. Sorry to break it to you but movies lie, unlike the Broing Up Rizal team of spies, detectives, and scientists who eat facts for breakfast. That means they burp facts, too.
Facts like these: When Green Hornet was created and first aired on radio in the 1930’s, the people behind it weren’t sure of Kato’s nationality. He was described vaguely as Asian, mentioned to be a Korean, and temporarily regarded as a Japanese butler because the voice talent was Japanese. However, in the July 18, 1939 broadcast, he started to be specifically identified as a Filipino. http://tinyurl.com/katoisfilipinodontargue
That means Bruce Lee is a Filipino! And China is probably saying, “Go ahead, you take Bruce Lee we take Sprat Lee!” Hahaha! Hahaha! Haahaa. Hah. Eh.
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Joe Pro and friends traveled eastward from California to New York through Nevada, Utah, Colorado, and Illinois. Along the way, they saw mountains, plants, sheep, mules, Mormon boys (presumably in pairs and could speak Tagalog better than Joe Pro), deserts, other boring landscape stuff, rivers, trees, other boring nature stuff he compared to Philippine nature stuff, boats, cabins, tobacco shops, Native American statues, and waitresses. Nod nod. He took note of the waitresses.
In other diary entries regarding stopovers and mealtimes, he just wrote about food, prices and such; but here he mentioned the waitresses for some reason like it was the first time he saw occupational order-takers and servers of the female variety. We have no photos of this so let’s just all agree that they were hot, and wore micro minis and roller skates. Happy thoughts.
However, Rizal’s overall rating of American people was just about passing score. He admired their industry and the opportunities available to anyone willing to work; but he hated the racism, slavery, arrogance, and the way they asked for tips. Here’s a true story: One time, Joe Pro rode a train to Paris next to an American who was blabbering non-stop, comparing Europe’s shortcomings to New York’s greatness (no it was not Barney, honest). He was so irritated that he regretted knowing so many languages. That’s JPR, folks. He hated the Americans’ guts even before they were mainstream.
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People can always debate on whether or not José Rizal rightfully deserves the “first Filipino” title, but this photo here is clearly on the “yes”.
Unfortunately, they were not able to send photos to Calamba since they didn’t have a digital printer. Oh, if only Barney carried a Canon Pixma Ip 100 Mobile Photo Printer in 1888. With its 16 pages/minute printing speed, 9600×2400 dpi resolution, 1856 nozzles, and Auto Image Fix; Joe Pro would have been able to produce hundreds of crisp, high quality photos of his transcontinental trip. Because You Can on Canon. Wink.
Joe Pro also kept on comparing American sceneries to Philippine spots. He described the mountains in the middle of Salt Lake as” just like Talim Island in Laguna de Bai”, the Niagara Falls (he stood on its foot, true story) as “magnificent but not as pretty nor as mysterious as those in Los Baños (in Laguna, not the one in California, b-t-dub), and the Hudson River as “very beautiful but lonely in comparison to Pasig River”.
Side note: The place featured here, Broadway, was not as elegant as what you see in the photo. During the time this scene happened, the streets were a mess and the rooftops were a giant tangle of wires. Maybe New York really just looks a lot better in pictures than in real life.
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Spotted: JPR, BS, and their Japanese friend searching for the then nonexistent sundressed summer girls in the Upper East Side.
They lodged in the Fifth Avenue Hotel towards the end of spring, 1888, when it stood on the southwest corner of Madison Square. Not much drama happened during their stay, for there were not much over-privileged young adults who were trying to ruin their own lives through social scene scandals.
However, the popularity of the hotel, mainly due to its extravagance, tells us that the Manhattan populace loved grandeur and excessive luxury even then. The Fifth Avenue Hotel boasted of a fireplace in each room, private bathrooms, big function rooms, four hundred servants, and elevators aka “vertical railroad”. Its guest list included celebrities, presidents, royals, and some fat cats. Okay, with those kinds of people, there must have been some scandals there. I promise to share them as soon as I get my hands on some juicy ones.
But who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me. XOX—Uhurm! Yeah, summer girls! Sundresses and bikinis, whatup.
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In the old times, people used to swim in birthday suits regardless of gender. Then, some laws were implemented requiring opaque swimming gowns. Our research team is currently on leave so we can only guess that this happened around the time being stout became the in thing. It’s also fair to think that the authorities created the taboo of nude swimming so their cronies could profit from selling extra fabric, renting out “bathing machines”, and publishing swimsuit edition magazines. But the last idea obviously didn’t sell well. You know what sold back then? Paintings. Nude paintings. No wonder many dudes wanted to be artists: Artists win even if nobody bought their paintings.
We can also suspect that this move against seeing naked people live was a big conspiracy done by businessmen who pioneered strip clubs.
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“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.” was the Barney Stinson quote that Joe Pro reminded Barney Stinson when 1888 NYC let them down.
Joe Pro also realized something: What if he did not meet Barney? Who would he hang out with? The other ilustrados? Haha, please. No, really, think about it: José Rizal would not have had any real friend if he did not meet Barney Stinson.
(This just in: Survey says nobody misses Tetcho. He was always there in the previous photos, just so you guys know, but nobody cared.)
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Horrible. That’s how Barney looks like in that stupid getup. As for his theory, we have no evidence to verify if it was a moment of acuity or of inebriation*. We are only sure that it was depression that caused it. Who wouldn’t be depressed? Just imagine being in your own house and everyone there is a stranger and a non-chick.
This scene happened on May 16, 1888, b-t-dub. That was the day Rizal left New York for England. Alone.
(Okay, Tetcho was with him so he wasn’t really alone. But come on, he doesn’t rate.)
*Rest assured that we are sparing no effort in researching on fluke-flux. We have a long line of Harvard graduates willing to do science stuff unpaid. Plus, there are several Google results on it and, if we search hard enough, maybe one of ‘em would point to the same fluke-flux we’re looking for.
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And so, the BarZal Bros went on separate ways. Barney, tired of the 1800s, stayed in America to construct a train that would take him back to the 2000s. Rizal, tired of America and of Barney’s oddity, rode the England-bound City of Rome.
Rizal felt that he was better off alone and bro-less. He had enough friends scattered around Europe, he thought; he had pen pals, he could bunk down in J Luna’s apartment (and he loved being in Luna paintings), he could discuss intellectual matters with the great speaker GL Jaena, and he was already good enough to score chicks without a wingman.
But then again, he thought: Pen pals couldn’t give him babe alerts in time, J Luna seemed to have murderous tendencies somehow, GL Jaena was too drunk 90% of the time (even when giving speeches, which he just winged because he didn’t really know about the subject at hand—well that was awesome cometothinkofit), and he admitted he never really scored until he met Barney.
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On board the City of Rome, and although he got seasick, Joe Pro met many people. He made acquaintance with a couple of pastors, some American newspapermen, and of course, beautiful girls like the one in the photo above. As Joe Pro listed, there was a lady singing on the piano, a pretty young woman who looked like a precious apparition in the moonlight, and a certain amiable Miss Holt with whom he had conversed in French. Yeaheheh, “conversed in French” probably was a double entendre.
According to Joe Pro’s diary, the ship trip was lively, and so he felt lonely being solo in his hotel when he arrived in Liverpool. He wrote, “…lonely life in a hotel is terrible. Liverpool is beautiful and pleasant. There are women who are a little bold.”
What up.
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“Bone Wars”. Heheh. Yeah, well, that really happened. It was part of why we have Jurassic Park and those Calvin and Hobbes classroom daydreams. The Bone Wars was a long, destructive battle between two American paleontologists in search of dinosaur fossils. Both sides were keen on proving who could dig more and who could cover the other in dirt better. Really. The war started in the 1870s and lasted until 1897. It left both men ruined, America full of holes, and 80s children with Denver the Last Dinosaur.
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In August, 1888, Joe Pro was admitted to the British Museum’s library. We’re not sure what “admitted” means in that sentence. Maybe he had to take an entrance exam, or pass a background check, or be sick because libraries are like hospitals, right? In both places; you can’t make noises, the air smells funny, people look dull, you feel like sleeping, there’s always a crabby old lady, and–according to porn, which in turn is according to the BarZal team of researchers–librarians and nurses do basically the same things. According to the researchers. That means other people. The researchers. Them.
After the episode in the photo above, Joe Pro started annotating the “Sucesos de Las Islas Filipinas” by Antonio Morga from the 16th Century. Rizal copied it by hand, word for word. He probably told Tetcho ,”it’s not plagiarism if it’s an annotation”, or something wise-ass.
In his annotation, Rizal pointed out how well-advanced the Philippine Islands were in–wait. Know what? We’ll just show you in the next episodes.
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Sucesos de las Islas Filipinas was written at the turn of the 16th century AD by Antonio
Morga. He was a lieutenant governor of the Philippines, a judge in the Real Audiencia, and a
captain general of a navy fleet. Word is he wasn’t really good in those jobs, but he was a
great historian.
Morga covered the happenings in the archipelago from up to 1493. That’s more than five decades before he was born, and a century before he arrived in Manila. How he managed to get materials for the book, we’re not sure. But we’d like to imagine he did it with a fedora, a whip, and a pre-teen Chinese sidekick.
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Antonio Morga’s two-volume Sucesos de las Islas Filipinas was first officially published in 1609. It was later translated by Lord Stanley (as Hon. Henry EJ Stanley) as “The Philippine Islands, Moluccas, Siam, Cambodia, Japan, and China, at the close of the sixteenth century by Antonio Morga”. Try logolizing that title.
While in England, Joe Pro read this translation while making his own annotation. Joe Pro’s version will eventually get published but not before he made revisions. Because of his emotional disposition then, his first manuscripts painted the pre-Spanish Philippines as too spectacular. We salvaged some of those papers and they will be available for viewing here–Broing Up Rizal exclusive!
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Here’s a sample scratch page of Joe Pro’s annotation of Morga’s work, translated and re-transcribed for the readers’ convenience.
Of course, he was overstating some claims here, so this was far from how the published manuscript turned out.
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See also about the Laguna Copperplate and Angono Petroglyphs. Too bad Joe Pro was no longer alive when these artifacts were discovered.
On another note, please excuse Joe Pro’s sarcasm and assumptions in his Morga drafts. He was under a lot of stress while doing it: There were news about social injustices and harassment against the Rizal family, a Spanish senator was badmouthing him, Juan Luna was always going, “dude, dude, include my drawings when you reprint the Noli Code”, and other Filipinos in Madrid were bugging him to direct their newspaper. On top of that, he was being hounded by this crazy-eyed woman named Gertrude Beckett, maybe.
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Was Joe Pro really that against the Spaniards? No. Not per se. He was against the destructions they brought here. In fact, in his published annotation, he mentioned some good guy Spaniards who were totally okay, like Salcedo (the grandson of Legaspi–and their surname is “Village Makati City” heeeheheh heheh heh eh).
Salcedo was a smart and brave dude who saved Manila from the pirate Li Ma Hong. He was also a member of the 27 Club. According to the annotation translations by historian Austin Craig: “(Salcedo) is the only encomendero recorded to have left the great part of his possessions to the Indians of his encomienda. Vigan was his encomienda and the Illokanos there were his heirs.”
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Kids, there is no way in hell we’re posting what they read here. No, you won’t get to read ’em, not in this totally wholesome page. But if you really want to, go ahead and visit these:
Enjoy, people!
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“Whoa! Is that Gertrude?! Is that Gertrude Beckett holding those scary intercourse paraphernalia that the reader wouldn’t understand unless he or she has read the previous one?!”
Sadly, there is no confirmation that that woman in the photo was Gertrude. Our in-depth investigation in Google Images seems to prove otherwise, too. So that probably isn’t her. Also it must be noted that Joe Pro was not glued in London during the time he was writing his Morga annotation. He roamed around nearby European countries. Who knows what kind of chicks he might have picked up during his travels then.
Anyway, he’s moving to Madrid. And there, he’s gonna meet The–
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–The Pons! And GL Cool J!
*Cue background music: Mama Your Boys–Wshkwshhhkwssshhk!–Wait, wait, waaaait a minute! That structure in the background. That’s the Columbus Monument. Which means this is not Madrid! This is Barcelona.Forget what was said on the previous photo. This is totally Barcelona. Hssh. Joe Pro erred. Good thing our keen team of historians saw that, huh? Okay. Where were we? Again:
The Pons! And GL Cool J!
*Cue background music: Mama Your Boys Will Find a Home*
Kids, story’s not over! Meeting the other Filipinos in Spain was a turning point in Joe Pro’s life. What else will happen? Will he meet Barney again? Do you really not know the answer to the first question, and if so, didn’t you learn anything from your history classes? Doesn’t matter! Season 4!
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Season 02
Agreed. There’s nothing to laugh about here since we’re all on Stinson’s side. Don’t worry, though. Lt. De Andrade is supposed to be unpopular here and you won’t be seeing much of him.
Photo posted on December 30. A Philippine holiday. If you’re a Filipino and you don’t know why it’s a holiday, you won’t understand 83% of this series. Yes, people. The more you know, the more jokes you get. Look at Einstein.
You don’t really have to mind what Barney says here, kids. He mostly learned Spanish from Google Translate. What’s important is the attitude displayed. Assertion is key when you don’t really have a point but you want to win an argument over an issue that exists only in your head. I’m not saying that’s the case here, though. We’re on Barney’s side.
Yes, they talk that way in those times because that’s how they wrote. This photo proves it, and it’s not like I’m making these up, guys. That’s not so hard to understand, is it? Right. It’s just science.
Paciano Mercado Rizal guest stars in the next photo episode.
“How come I can’t see Paciano?”
That is because it’s an external shot, Stephen Hawking. It is useful when establishing a new scene. Also, I suggest we all learn more about Paciano Mercado. The dude is rarely credited despite being a great bro. Interesting character, too. In fact, you’d not be looking for him in this photo if you know more about the guy.
Joe Pro once quoted Lt. De Andrade saying Paciano was the only real man in the Philippines. It’s more fun if we don’t look for the real context, so let’s not. Heheh. Let’s believe that Paciano is one helluva handsome Indio Natural, and that he stays away from cameras in fear that his photos might be used to make love potions. Or wanted posters.
This was Barney’s first unwitting role against oppressive friars. Unfortunately, the video got lost before he had the chance to upload it on YouTube. He could not find a café with Wi-Fi in 1888, not even in Fifth Avenue in NYC.
On February 3, 1888, JPR and Barney sailed for Hong Kong. Some sources say that Joe Pro was ill that day so he had runny nose and watery eyes. Lt. JT de Andrade said that was just JPR’s excuse.
I get it. Joe Pro was, more correctly, a reformist. But–Just–Okay?! Whatever. The term applies as an adjective. Again, whatever.
So. Did José Rizal and Wong Fei-Hung meet? If they did, was it in 1888 or in the 1890s? I’m thinking about it. For the meantime, imagine Jackie Chan singing “A Man Should Better Himself” faintly in the background.
If my–uhurm– research proves the two folk heroes did meet, expect a kick-ass picture of it.
Plus this:
做个好汉子
热血热肠热
比太阳更光
Joe Pro’s pick-up power stats: Suits, polyglotism, large forehead, Don Juanism, magic tricks. Barney’s pick-up power stats: Suits, polyglotism, large forehead, Don Juanism, magic tricks.
February 13, 1888. Desperation Day Monday. Last night of Chinese Festival. Joe Pro failed to pick up a half-Asian chick in Hong Kong. Stinson 1, Rizal 0.
February 14, 1888. Tuesday. Joe Pro, with a vow to score better, bought a new suit at Robert Lang’s. Yep, this really happened.
February 22, 1888. JPR and Barney started sailing to Japan from Hong Kong aboard the Oceanic. Cruising with them were two Portugese, two Chinese, a number of Englishmen, and no chicks. Unsurprisingly, the wingmen got seasick the rest of the trip.
( Note: The next couple of episodes will be about Rizal’s stay in Japan and how he fell in love with the country, the culture, and a girl named O Sei San. He almost did not want to leave, really.
I also want to clarify that these have nothing to do with Japan’s current events, but are based on what happened 123 years ago. Nagkataon lang. To everyone who really want to help Japan, tangible service can be done outside social networking sites. Thank you very much.)
The wingmen reached Yokohama on February 28, 1888 and stayed in the Grand Hotel. Secretary Juan Perez Caballero of the Spanish Legation offered Joe Pro a free stay at the embassy building but Barney warned Rizal against it.
Two days after they arrived in Yokohama, the BarZal duo went to Tokyo and lodged at the Tokyo Hotel. They were all praises for everything they saw in Japan, except for the rickshaws and the non-existence of cute Japanese girls (of legal age, they swear) wearing nanchatte seifuku. Barney felt so betrayed by the media.
After a week of fruitless search, Joe Pro gave up looking and accepted the secretary’s offer.
Yes, Usui Seiko was actually pretty. She was also smart and classy, a daughter of a veteran samurai-turned-businessman.
No, she was not a gravure idol.
José Rizal was determined to make an intro, but he suddenly had the yips.
Fortunately, Barney had an Utada Hikaru phase and he kept some of her songs in his music player. We just have no way to tell whether it was “Close to You” or “Automatic” that fired up Joe Pro.
(Some sources may tell you it wasn’t an Utada Hikaru song but “Itsumo” by Dice & K9. They lie.)
Rizal was not entirely lying in his haiku escape letter. He was indeed on an important mission for his homeland. (But, we’re still not clear what relevance his travels had with his mission. Was he running an 1888 equivalent of a Facebook campaign, like “IF I GET 1 MILLION FANS WORLDWIDE, THE PHILIPPINES WILL GAIN FREEDOM”? I mean, really, what’s up with that? Right?) Anyway. It was true: He really could not stay forever even if he wanted to, and he really wanted to.
But hold that thought. Rizal still had a few weeks left in Japan. Story’s not over.
The issue of birth control was already a moral and religious issue back then or even earlier. If there was someone in the 19th century who’d go for it just to spite Dominican friars, it would be Joe Pro. But he never interrupted a Mass.
Sidebar: If you’re uncomfortable with even just mentioning the word “condom”, you’d probably cringe when you know the stuff they used to make ’em in the 16th to 19th century. Sigmund Freud was against it, b-t-dub, but for a different reason.
Let’s get this out of the way first: Adolf Hitler was not JPR’s son.
Adolf was born on April 20, 1889 and was most probably conceived in July of 1888 in Austria by his mom, Klara. Rizal was in London at that time. Now, you can make silly theories all you want about Hitler falsifying his birth records, but you cannot deny this: Joe Pro was into classy ladies, and Klara was a lower middle class housekeeper and mother of three deceased kids. Psh. Please.
On the other hand, Sir Charles Chaplin was born April 16, 1889. In London. I’m just saying.
Anyway. Yes? Ah, the dude behind the door? That’s Secretary JP Caballero from the legation. Don’t mind him.
Meh. I wouldn’t post this one if I had the choice, but I must, in service to all of you folks. Or, yeah, you can just go buy a shirt or a notebook with his face on it without even knowing squat about him just like with Che Guevarra, and not minding that he might have been the model for Ned “Faaaaaatheeer” Armstrong in Voltes V.
Everyone probably knows Joe Pro could speak in a hell lotta languages. Cool, right? Totally. But do you know how many languages he could sing in? Six, you say? Eight, perhaps? Nope. Hint: Zero.
Still, being a master of different tongues is no small feat. So what if he couldn’t sing? Also we shouldn’t mind the fact that Joe Pro wasn’t good at writing in Tagalog, right?
Wait, what?
Yup. He wanted to write a humorous novel about Filipino ways and traditions (unlike the Noli and Fili, which were political). Sensibly, it would work best if done in Tagalog; Bob Ong style! Unfortunately, Rizal–as he himself admitted to Blumentritt–did not know how to use Tagalog properly. Well, that was not his fault. It’s not like Rizal was born and raised in a Tagalog region, right?
Oh, wait. Yeah, I better stop.
Bonus: The original manuscript of this novel was originally kept by the family of one of Rizal’s friends, Mariano “The Ponz” Ponce.
We all know how it turned out. JPR did not get married in Japan because there was no mention of it in high school. Fine. *cough-dimwit-cough*.
The reality was, he almost did. And a minute with Google will tell us that he totally would have, but was reminded by Paciano of his duties so Joe Pro heavy-heartedly left Japan, including O-se…i san and the lucrative jobs he could have had. Aww.
However, the Broing Up Rizal series is not made just by believing Google search results.We– meaning me, the researcher of BarZal photos, and you, intelligent readers with IQs >150 each–are smart enough to suspect something else happened. That JPR would have found a way to stay in Japan if he really wanted to. That something else must have pushed him to go across the Pacific Ocean and never again set foot in the land of O-sei san. Oh, there must be something else.
Stay tuned.
Fun fact: The song Sukiyaki is actually one of many translated versions and covers of the Japanese song “Ue o Muite Aruko” by Kyu Sakamoto. It was pretty hot in the early 1960s. Mexican-American singer Selena also released a single called “Caminaré Mirando Arriba” or “I Shall Walk Looking Up”, a direct translation of the original title. Also, if you have Wii Music, check out it’s Handbell Harmony section. What up.
“Sukiyaki” is, as you may know, a Japanese hot pot dish, and has nothing to do with the song itself. Kinda like playing “Moon River” in Japan and calling it “Beef Stew”. But admit it, it’s catchy.
Thanks thanks, Wikipedia!
What? Were you expecting a commentary about the photo? Joe Pro’s devastated and clearly needs some time alone. C’mon, people! What’s wrong with you?
Episode 44, ladies and gentlemen! There’s a prize for the first liker when this photo reaches 44 comments. True that! Or not. That’d be selling out. Psh.
On April 13 that year, Barney and Joe Pro got on board the Belgic and started sailing to America. Despite Barney’s awesome words of wisdom, JPR kept on lamenting. He downed the mood of the whole ship so low that a lot of fellow passengers got literally sick. No joke, dudes, that happened. It’s even written in Rizal’s diary after the entry dedicated to Usui Seiko. What a Ted.
Kids, I know this looks like a cheap slapstick, but it really happened as far as the photo is concerned. The child did call him Richal. Don’t doubt the photos, dudes; these took a lot of Indiana Jones-style research.
Other sources even say that the boy who approached Rizal was a son of a woman named Emma Jackson, a half-Filipina married to an Englishman. Quick! Somebody check their records and see if one of her descendants is currently in Hollywood!
On another note, it should be noted that due to the publication of The Noli Code (and perhaps also due to the Noli Me Tangere), Rizal had been the target of mudslinging and black propaganda. He made a lot of enemies with that controversial book. The result: He skyrocketed to international popularity despite the non-existence of YouTube and Oprah. Not to mention being called a sorcerer, how cool is that? And he didn’t stop there! In case you didn’t know, the Noli had a sequel titled El Fili—wait for it—book! El Filiibook! Or The Filibook, whatever. Seriously, wait for it.
For now, if you’re interested to see how Rizal used the name “Richal” to recuperate his groove, stand by for this season’s finale. If you want to.
“But Joe Pro is a cool name! Why not just use it?”, you may ask, because you’re an amateur. Here, learn: In 1888, a cruise from Japan to America takes two weeks or more. If a Bro is confined to a ship for that long and he wants to score as much chicks as he wants without being found by said chicks afterwards, he needs dispensable identities. Hence, the names and disguises.
Absorb more of the Stinsonian wisdom, c’mon. Speaking of Barney, the BarZal Bros travel to Barney’s city, NYC in the coming new season. That’s right, because this one’s the second season ender, y’all!
Next stop: San Francisco!
Cue music: “I Like It” by The Blackout Allstars. And roll credits!
(For the credits, please, just use your imagination. Geez.)
(For the credits, please, just use your imagination. Geez. Oh, wait. This just in: We have been given the green light for Season 3!)
Season 01
Jose meets Barney in a bar. Circa late 1800s.
Rizal suits up. Looking at this picture, you know it’s gonna be legen–wait for it–
Joe Pro
His real full name would kill Kira. But that’s from a cartoon, totally fictional. And we don’t work on fiction here.
Members of a Brohood
Things happen after 2am.
The reason why JPR went to pubs in the first place.
You can play “Gotta Have You” by The Weepies for this photo, b-t-dub. If you want.
Kids, they didn’t exactly say “kiss”.
Blumentritt’s Blog. B-T-Dub, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3N1GL9CsgQ
First of all, a list of Touch Me Not’s.
As if a Bro would ever want to. Dude. C’mon.
Not all twin peaks are fun.
Fun Fact: The chapter was literally marked with a big X, probably by JPR himself.
Then again by Barney when it did not meet his expectations.
Maria Clara’s HCS
Bros and Don’ts. Dudes and Don’ts. Do… and Don’ts.
Colombia, Laguna
They will go to Japan, but not before the holidays because…
…Barney tends to exploit the provisions of the Bro Code Article 19.
“A Bro from now on shall treat his Bro’s sisters as his own.”
Don’t worry, kids, Trinidad also learned proper English. So, the following dialogue before JPR’s execution did not happen:
Joe Pro: “Look inside the lamp.”
Trinidad: “Fine, whatever.”
Joe Pro. “And inside my shoes, too.”
Trinidad: “Eww! Gross!”
Cool huh? Makes one wonder why JPR had to include in the package some sampaguita and kamuning flowers. Oh yes, he did. Look it up.
–start playing “Alright” by Supergrass as background music because this is a reference to the second photo in this album, which means the BarZal Bros’ wingmanship and chick-scoring officially starts here–
–dary! Legendary!
And believe you me, their second travel together will be. Imagine me raising my index finger and waving it slightly. There. Full effects. Ah-blogfive!
But that travel is saved for Season 02. Coming soon. Or whenever. You’ll know if you come back.
For now, Malinaw out.
Broing Up Rizal 